It was a warm summer evening and Siddhartha and I were on our way to Red Cliff Canoe club to take him on a tour of the river and give him a quiet, secluded beach where he can meditate and relax with the whole experience of the river. My dad twists and turns the trailer down the curved ramp and there is a very calm splash while Siddhartha just looks at the stars shimmering on the water before the roar of the engine breaks the glass of the water, we begin our journey.(pg 13, Strange dreams floated in his eyes) Siddhartha was dreaming with his eyes open taking in the wonders of the river, his eyes closed as the sounds of the river were beginning to grow louder as the sun begins to rise and illuminates the wonders of the river.
Siddhartha said. “How much longer will it take?”
I said “We will get there when we get there it depends on a lot of things for the arrival time.”
We had just gone past the route 9 bridge and came up upon a small cove across from and old windmill covered in an army of vines. I took over navigation and guided the boat onto a small beach that was secluded from the main channel which would give Siddhartha a good place to meditate and for me a great place to fish and cool off and enjoy a day with family and friends. The eagles were soaring high above our heads and the fish were jumping but eluding me from catching them.Siddhartha came over and said “The sand is so hot and the waters cool and makes concentration hard but it calms the mind so well.”
I replied “I’m glad old friend.”
(pg 24, I have no desire to walk on water.) Siddhartha waded into the shallow channel and began to meditate will sitting in the shallow water, it was almost like he was starting to lose himself and wanted to grow in mental health and experience a new way of life and embrace it and learn from it.
As the fun started to increase it was time to head back to the club, or we were going to be late for the steak bake, we packed everything and headed back, it took us about an hour to get back to the club, the steaks were ready so we all dug in had a good laugh and we headed home and we had left early because early the next morning we had a flight to catch, because we were headed to the one the only Las Vegas.
I woke him up and we were headed to the airport, we left and then he slept on the plane and i just stared out the window looking at the sky. Three hours later we landed I woke Siddhartha up and told him we got so much to do and so little time.(pg 45, All this, colored and in a thousand forms had always been there.) We were both amazed at the lights and sounds of the city as we drove through the center. Our first stop was the Gold and Silver Pawn shop. Lets see he bought a musket and I bought a Flintlock Musketoon and a samuri sword, then we went to the gun range and had a blast.
Siddhartha picked the next destination, the Flamingo casino, we were both in shock from the lights and the other casinos, the showgirls came up to greet us and we went in for a Taylor Swift concert, and it was absolutely epic. Dana White can up to us and offered us cage side seats and V.I.P access to UFC 131 and we had a blast with the fighters, all good people and so nice to us. We left, but my friend seemed sad,
I said, “whats wrong?”
His reply was, “i don’t feel like myself, I want to go home, it’s not you I have had the time of my life thank you so, so much.”
(pg 100, These thoughts passed through his mind. Smiling he listened to his stomach, listened thankfully to a humming bee.)
We parted paths and said our goodbyes, we left it at that.
Pat, I really liked it, I can tell that you this was from you, I think you might want to work on the ending, but it looks good!
ReplyDeleteits a good start. it need some work on the conclusion. the context needs some work. you want to seem like you are actually talking to him. it also needs more context in general. you are showing him around and i think that his reactions on what you are telling him are very important. it needs some work but over all it is a good start and with a little more in places and editing it will become a great essay.
ReplyDeleteI thought you did a good job with the second part about Taylor Swift, UFC 131, the gun range, and the pawn shop. Siddhartha acts particularly characteristic here, acts uncomfortable and eventually has to leave. You did a great job adding variety to the Las Vegas part.
ReplyDeleteThe First place, the river, could have been done better. Although the location and setting is perfect for Siddhartha, the whole scene seemed confusing. “My dad twists and turns the trailer down the curved ramp and there is a very calm splash while Siddhartha just looks at the stars shimmering on the water before the roar of the engine breaks the glass of the water, we begin our journey”, this part specifically is confusing, I’m not exactly sure what is happening here, just be more clear with your thoughts when you revise it and it will make sense. The dialogue in this section was also sparse. Maybe if you add a discussion with Siddhartha while you are in the car, Siddhartha’s feelings could be better understood by the reader.
The references too the text are both done well and flow appropriately with your story. In the reference, “(pg 24, I have no desire to walk on water.) Siddhartha waded into the shallow channel and began to meditate will sitting in the shallow water”, you do a great job incorporating a fairly obscure reference to story, it makes sense that Siddhartha might meditate in the water. The other reference, “(pg 100, These thoughts passed through his mind. Smiling he listened to his stomach, listened thankfully to a humming bee.)”, is fitting for how Siddhartha probably would have felt after the trip to Vegas.
The introduction to the essay is a little weak, but the premise is good. I wanted to read onward to find out just what you and Siddhartha were doing. However, as I said earlier there were parts that were confusing.
1.) I think you did a great job with the whole destination type that you let Siddhartha have a say in where he wanted to explore. "Siddhartha picked the next destination, the Flamingo casino, we were both in shock from the lights and the other casinos, the showgirls came up to greet us and we went in for a Taylor Swift concert, and it was absolutely epic." I think that you maybe could have added a little more detail about how epic the T. Swift concert was but all in all i liked how you let Siddhartha have a say in where he wanted to visit while he was in America.
ReplyDelete2.) I agree with Nate I am a little lost as to where you are trying to go with the whole river theme. It is a great idea but i am a little confused because first you talk about how calmly Siddhartha sits and stares out across the river but then I am confused because even the slightest splash can cause a distraction to his meditation.
3.)His reply was, “i don’t feel like myself, I want to go home, it’s not you I have had the time of my life thank you so, so much.” I feel that this dialogue fits perfectly because it would make sense that Siddhartha is out of his comfort zone and wants to go home, he is not use to the whole major, big, loud, etc. life that we are so use to.
4.) The first few sentences really did grab my attention. It really drew me in to how you were going to describe the canoe club in a way that could seem to be a meditative place. I believe that it is a good idea and I really wanted to read more to see what relaxing and meditative place you would go to at the canoe club.